25 August 2008

Old dog, new tricks... same tricks?

This is the best shot of the twist, but... the camera turns...

this... is just funny

23 August 2008

Just because you're whole doesn't mean you can't still be added onto

so, I've learned some things, these last couple of weeks (other than flips) ...

I loved living in Provo--because i chose to. Before that decision, i hated it. Sounds kind of... vulcan. no emotions... actually, love and hate...
anyway, i've known a lot of people who hate where they live--i've been one of them!

before i moved to Provo, i lived in Rexburg--i didn't like it. but there was no way you were going to get me in an apt. in Provo. after i got there, and decided that i don't need to let others' opinion influence my own thus loving it, i was most decidedly never moving home again. as in live with or near my parents.

and now here i am at parents house. this is actually the house i grew up in, though it has undergone many changes. [tangent: internent explorer doesn't have spell check like Firefox, and i maintain that having studied more than one foreign language i am perfectly justified in not being able to spell anymore]

when we sing the hymn, "i'll go where you want me to go" and we sing about mountains and plains and seas, and thorny paths.... it's usually much less dramatic than that. Sometimes it's moving back in with your parents because you have a work to do amongst the members of your family. Sometimes it's going to visit someone you don't really like but have exactly what the Lord wants to give them--in words, or love, or empathy... or jokes. sometimes it is to NOT go trek over mountains and plains and other amazing locales on this world, rather to establish yourself in one place, put your efforts and talents into creating the sacred space Home and Family.

Here again, i'm blogging in the late-night hours...

"You have a work that no other can do." Like that starfish story--each and every person is precious to the Lord, and whatever you do to lift and succor and strengthen is huge, a very important part of The Plan.

Old dog, new tricks

i have some better videos...
I'll postm later...

22 August 2008

Shades of Vague

i've always liked to hide.
to be unknown, but not necessarily unseen...
deliberately difficult and vague to a hideous fault.

want to know why?

right like i'd stop doing and being that now!
actually i'd like to.

i've been described as transparent--in a good way, what you see is what you get. But i've also been described as prickly and difficult to get to know.
at the moment, those don't seem mutually exclusive...

who hasn't, at some point been trapped in an older sibling's or parent's shadow? who hasn't had a difficult highschool experience?
so why am i so defensive, and evasive? Why do i always feel like i'm inferior and under attack? why do i feel so impelled to detach and avoid?
well, there are some reasons... but not enough.

are all people as inconsistent as i am? and i mean to the degree that you cannot predict how i'll react from situation to the next... or can you?

here's a great one for the uber-thinkers: what is the balance of not being pensive enough to not be shallow and flakey, but impulsive enough to embrace life?

What do you do when you can't sleep?

you take pictures!

admittedly there are several more like them... i tried to remember how to do rollover images... alas!

the problem is ... i take medication to help me sleep--Boy! does it ever fog my brain! Which is wonderful at night when you need a little fog to slow your little mind down, and fade the latent worry.
By prescription only, sorry.
BUT!!! every once in a while, my poor little mind and body refuse to succomb to the excellence of chemical-induced rest--which is basically the generic version of genuine rest.
In times and sans chemicals past, i've found that writing helps. Enter Great Irony: my brain is too foggy to cohere anything (see what i mean?!?). and i still can't sleep, either.
Nice. (matti, i want you to visualize that in ASL)
once, i basically laid in my bed and blinked for about 8 hours. Sounds really aggravating? Naw, my brain was WAY too fog-bound to figure that out.

a good idea would be to write a lot during the day--in addition to the trampoling and such that i do to prove to myself that i can. However, i am in a very stupifying and sweetly doleful depression, and all i want to do is watch Bones. If we owned "scrubs" i think i'd watch it, too.
uber frustrating!

17 August 2008

Everyone needs a creative outlet

I made a move that our culture would demand that i lose value- or worth-points in so doing. I moved back in with my parents!

I love it! See, my parents are cool like that. And retired. Around here, we do what we want. The clincher--we don't want to sit around watching T.V. all day.

well, isn't that a novel idea. Just because someone doesn't have a job, doesn't mean they don't have anything to do! Eventually i will need to generate income, but isn't it just something else, that i'm single, educated, jobless, and still have great value as a member of my family, many communities, and let's don't forget my friends.

What do you want?
Me, i want peace. I want to stop fretting about worth.
I want to be acted upon by a rich aunt.
I want to love people. I want to see the light in their eyes.
I want to bring positive things to my situations and relationships.

Here's another interesting question--does it matter what we want? Meaning and purpose are generally found in action verbs and agency. I think i'm going to insert the adjective "wholesome" in there, though there are psychos who found meaning in serial killing, and stalking...
in that case, i add to my statement "action verbs and agency, for the benefit of the community"

maybe i shouldn't blog when i can't sleep...

if a person has the influence to turn you and everything you think upside down, is that person significant?