Miles yet to go

2010-08-26T11:21:00.001-07:00

One night at dinner, I don't remember the conversation (wait, now I do...), my mom made the comment, "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die." Orgininally from Lord Alfred Tennyson's "The Charge of Light Brigade" and quoted thus: "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do & die," it was again coined by one of the latter-day Presidents of the church (i don't remember which, but it is on a wall in a hallway in the Taylor Building on the BYU-I campus) (I could be wrong... in which case I could rewrite this post in the theme of using misleading quotes in order to not have to think for yourself...)

On occasion, we have leaders who ask us to do something we don't want to do: we don't see the wisdom in it, often we think we are above the task and feel a little "what's in it for me" about it. Maybe we think our leader is selfish and doesn't know what's going on.

As Children of God, there is a lot we don't understand. That whole veil thing... and then that line upon line principle. As we learn to obey, we grow in light and knowledge (part of that obey thing is to read your scriptures: become a disciple-scholar, and student of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, learn of Him and listen to his words, walk in the meekness of His light...). Check my "math" in Doc. & Cov. 93 and Matt. 11. Incidentally, as we disobey, we lose light and knowledge.

Recap:: obey:get brighter/smarter; disobey: get dimmer/dumber.

In the church, we have the great benefit of having inspired leaders who are called of God--through other leaders who are also called of God. Cool. Careful though, power is maintained by persuasion, long-suffering, kindness, meekness. A person may be right, but no one will follow an arrogent bossy-cow. (Sherri Dew once said, "no one wants to be led by a liar." Think about that!) Also, just because your Steward asks you to do something, you shouldn't blindly do it. Brigham Young once said that he was worried that the saints would blindly follow their leaders without gaining a knowledge, assurance, and testimony that what was asked of them truly came from God (on a personal note: often, when given an invitation to act from the First Presidency I feel the assurance of the Spirit, which is confirmed and strengthened as I act on the invitation)(faith without works is dead).

Question what is asked of you, and then do it. You are becoming an engaging, enlightened leader who can also be improved upon. You are becoming a righteous agent of change. You are becoming an heir of God, a benevolent God, yourself.
Frightening when I think of some of the young men and women in the ward... They'll learn and grow.
... or they'll disobey and lose light and knowledge, privileges and blessings.

So, what about that boss you hate who is making less than wise business decisions, that Sunday School president who asked you to attend a class you don't want to go to?

Good Heavens! I'm not your mom, or your conscience! Learn to communicate--express your feelings appropriately and non-defensively! Make your own decisions! But be aware that as you act disobediantly and selfishly you lose light, knowledge, blessings, access to the source of all truth and love, and His Atonement.

Ours is to question why. Questions, but never doubts (Elder Holzapfel, Elder Busche). And sometimes, ours is to do and die.

(Incidentally, "The Charge of the Light Brigade" is about what turned out to be a suicide mission. Those in command made bad decision, but instead of fighting about it, or turn coward and run, the Light Brigade charged, as they were told.
But I believe that those men who died, died valiantly, fighting for a good cause they believed in.)

Confront me if I don't ask for Help

2010-08-24T10:59:00.001-07:00

Many years ago, just before my little sister and I were roommates, we had this friend. She stayed with my family on occasion, and most definetely became "one of us" (there is a great "you spit in my face" story connected with her, but I'll save it for another time).

She and my little sister were roommates in Rexburg. During that time she--the friend, who will remain nameless--was a supervisor on an early morning custodial shift. I don't remember how exactly it happened, but she broke her arm (everytime I go to type "broke her arm" in my many renderings of this post, I type "broker her arm." In fact, I just typed "typer" instead of just "type"). She's quite the independant girl, and continued at work with her usual assigning to herself of the toughest jobs. Ridiculous--she barely managed and usually her crew would finish their jobs early and then come help her. That being the case, someone (this was long enough ago that I can't remember if it was a roommate or a co-worker) made her a sign to wear around her neck:
"Confront me if I don't ask for help"
It was written in crayon. :)

We all struggle. We all find ourselves, occasionally, in need of help. Some more often than others. :)
Quite often, in these moments of our direst need, we get a phone call, a text, even a knock on the door. Our uttered or un-uttered prayer of lonliness, longing, or heartache is heard. At the instance we need it the most, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother or Friend turns up filled with loving encouragement. Strength and endurance restored, we face the challenges of life anew, knowing we are not alone, but in fact loved and capable.

Other times, aid comes in the form of a comforting feeling, a rush of knowledge, a reassurance that you are not alone. You are capable, you are strong, you are divine.
Actually, I find this to be a progression. As you come to really understand who you are as a Child of God, your place in His plan of Happiness, and especially your ability to act as an independant and capable agent of divine worth, you move from one "aid plan" to the next.

You may even find it your privilege to call or visit a friend or family member who is silently calling out. You may find yourself living your life in such a way that anyone you come into contact with feels better about the world and their place in it, just for knowing you.

Progression is eternal, I've noticed. I've also noticed in my own life that the next plan just might be this: I know when I'm struggling. I'm very aware of those moments when I just don't want to do this frustrating thing anymore. I know I'm not alone. I know I am a strong, capable, divine daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I know that I have the gift of agency, and the power to use it for my good and the good of others, or to be selfishly negligent: "I deserve for someone to help me." "I've earned the right to not have to work quite so hard, just this time."
I can ask for help. And I can do it without being a burden or taking advantage. Because we are all in this together. Millions of people don't live on the same planet so that we can reject and isolate ourselves or each other.
Confront me if I don't ask for help.

Is there anything I can do for you today?

sometimes, its better to not know

2009-04-19T01:02:00.000-07:00

bacause your imagination is always better.

top 'o th' mornin to ya!

2009-03-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

HOlY moLEY! It's march!

well, I'm obsessive...

2009-01-07T16:33:00.000-08:00

I've watched The Dark Knight 4 times in the last 4 days. I'm obsessed with the Joker. ...more so with Heath Leger (sp?) 's interp.

::i've been extremely pensive... i could hit you all very hard with it, or i could give you the train of thought::

(random thought: it took me 11 years to get over someone)
(that has a quite unfortunate blow quality to it)

Joker
is heath leger (or however you want to complicate that wording)

heath leger
is a method actor

a method actor
is one who does not drop "character" until the "gig" is done.
-------------there are rumors, if you will, that heath's method-ness is a part of the reason he cracked and done himself in.

I like to be everyone
i actually develop new characters every day

Leave the bright blue door on the white-washed floor.
Leave the death ledger under city hall.
Leave the joyful air in that rubber ball today.

Just leave the lilac print on the linen sheet.
Leave the bird you killed at your father's feet.
Let the sideways rain in the crooked street remain.

Leave whimpering dog in his cold kennel.
Leave the dead starlet on her pedestal.
Leave the acid kids in their green fishbowls today.

Leave the sad guitar in its hard-shell case.
Leave the worried look on your lover's face.
Let the orange embers in the fireplace remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
The train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs.
Everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.

Leave the ocean's roar in the turquoise shell.
Leave the widower in his private hell.
Leave the liberty in that broken bell today.

Leave the epic poem on its yellowed page.
Leave the grey macaw in his covered cage.
Let the traveling band on the interstate remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
Sound-stage in California, televisions in Times Square.
Everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.
Yeah I know that now that's why I'm staying here.

Leave the secret talk on the trundle bed.
Leave the garden tools in the rusted shed.
Leave those bad ideas in your troubled head today.

Leave the restless ghost in his old hotel.
Leave the homeless man in his cardboard cell.
Let the painted horse on the carousel remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
Just like the gold around your finger and the silver in his hair.
Yeah, everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.

In truth, the forest hears each sound
Each blade of grass as it lies down.
The world requires no audience.
no witnesses, no witnesses.

Leave the old town drunk on his wooden stool.
Leave the autumn leaves in the swimming pool.
Leave the poor black child in his crumbling school today.

Leave novelist in his daydream tune.
Leave the scientist in her rubik's cube.
Let true genius in the padded room remain.

Leave horses hair on the slanted bow.
Leave the slot machines on the riverboat.
Leave the cauliflower in the casserole today.

Leave the hot bright trash in their shopping malls.
Leave the hawks of war in their capitals.
Let the organs moan in the cathedral remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
They locked the devil in the basement, God up into the air.
Yeah, everything must belong somewhere.You know it's true, I wish you'd leave me here.
Yeah, You know it's true, why don't you leave me here?
-bright eyes, "i must belong somewhere"

I know who i am

2009-01-02T17:36:00.000-08:00

and what i want to do.

South Eastern Idaho Snow Angel Festival

2008-12-26T00:05:00.000-08:00

or something.

My mom's mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in March of 2002. The doctor gave her 6 months to live.
He clearly did not know my Grandma. There is something to be said about denial.
(In fact my neighbor, who has been a very close friend to my family since before i was born, was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. About 7 years later, he'd finally had enough)

I got my mission call in May. Taiwan, Tai Zhong.
On my birthday in June, i was returning a book to a neighbor when they invited me to go with them across the country to see the Nauvoo temple--and 8 others. Why not!?
I don't think i saw Grandma out of the hospital that whole summer. but,boy! did we laugh a lot reminiscing with her!
My mom told us we needed to pay attention to her button-pushing for medication, because we would have to do that for her someday... my sister's reply was, "No, mom, we're going to have to climb the mountain and find the pieces of you, when you go!" That's my MOM!!
I will be surprised if i go any differently

I entered the MTC on September 18th. the night before, i was set apart and my fam--including my Grams and my Uncle Dan, and several cousins-- we were settling down, and finishing the night at my parentals casa. As i talked to my Grandma, i knew it would be the last time i would see her in this world. It seems so much sadder now. I realize that she also knew it would be the last time she would see me. I love my Grandma. She's the only grandparent i've ever known, and life truly does seem a little emptier without her.
Every Christmas Eve we went to her house for Christmas dinner, and games and to open some presents. She always put her tree on her living room table, where her lamp usually was. I always loved the angel she put on top.
When my cousin got married, in November, they sent me pictures. Grandma was stunning in blue. :)
In January, I got a call from my Mission President letting me know Grandma kicked it. She was on terminal patient pain killers, and was hilarious to the last! A little off her rocker, but funny!
Best of all, HAH! ...we've been estranged from my grandpa for years. He was wretched to my mom growing up, unfaithful to my Grandmother, and forced my aunt into a less-than-healthy marriage so that he could finally walk away. ...HAH!! My mom was sitting with my Grandma--she had moved in, to take care until the last moment--holding her hand and talking her through the end of her bitterness for her ex-husband. Ironically, it was his birthday! Jan 11. Mom told her, "today is his birthday, if you really want to get back at him for good, you could go today." HAH!!!! (i have a rather morbid sense of humor...) And she did!!
"like which fury, hell hath no" ?
I came home in April.
i really don't like funerals, i haven't been to one in a very long time, so it all worked out just fine. My MTC roomies and i had sung "the lord is my Shepherd" on a tape and i sent it home. they played it at her graveside service. so i was there. kind of.
Every Christmas that i've been in IF we've gone out to where she's buried in Shelley, and give her snow angels!
my Aunt thinks it's obscene, but i think Grandma likes it.
I love my Grandma.

It must be Christmas.

2008-12-25T23:49:00.000-08:00

Since last Thursday, we've had about 2 feet of snow, easily.
I don't think i've seen that much in a while!

It sounds like more if i say 24 inches in the last week...

In fact! I tried to take my beautiful Beast to my sisters house to commandeer my nephews bed (he isn't using it and i need one). The burban doesn't have 4 wheel drive!!! It took me a long time to get out of the driveway, and then i almost didn't make it up the street!
And i certainly didn't make it to my sisters house!!
I can't believe my muse, my love doesn't have 4wheel drive!!!
it's a suburban!!!
I feel betrayed!

Not only did we use Jimmy to get my bed, i fit the rest my stuff in there to haul it down to my new house!
My burban let me down. That's ok. This love is an endless love. there will be other burbans. ones with 4 wheel drive. i have better relationships with cars, anyway.

That was Christmas Eve, by the by. And it was spent in a car, unloading schtuff, and waiting at the airport for Mommy's plane to land. Christmas dinner was *laughing* Denny's. We got home just before midnight, and i slept until 2 this afternoon!
AND
roads were closed today because of all the snow and wind, so i haven't seen any other family, either!
needless to say, it does NOT feel like Christmas, to me.
maybe tomorrow.
maybe when we get each other gifts, or go give Grandma snow angels.

A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar

2008-12-15T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm moving to South Jordan. I've been in need of moving on, and I just don't feel like I can do it while i'm living at home. I've been interviewing, and I have a place to stay (at this point, they would all be disappointed if i didn't move in!) and it really just feels right to be here.
I've never been very career oriented, so this company i've been interviewing with feels a little restrictive, but i absolutely love what they are about. Which is financial services, emphasis on service.

I want to get my fashion certificate at SLCC--somehow i just feel this intense draw to Salt Lake City. Maybe after that i'll go for a masters in SF. I know what a want to pursue, i'm not sure what i'd do with it.... does it matter?!?! (well, yes, but i'm too exhausted to think about that, right now....)

i'm thinking i might go back to IF and work for a little bit--while i don't have to pay food and rent... we'll see.

and that's my update

All things Jimmy

2008-12-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

In honor of K & J's first addition, these are other jimmys and james in my life

GMC Jimmy
"Jimmy Thing" dave matthews
"So Long, Jimmy" James Blunt (that's 2)
i recently discovered that i actually DO like Jimmy Eat World. My current fav is "bleed american"
my uncle Jim
There's a Jimmy John's sandwhich place by Biolife that i would like to try

hm. that's a lot less than i thought.

jimmy stewart
jimmy hoffa
jimmy mahoney
jimmy thakery
jimmy vivino
james dean
james (the band)
james oliver
the Book of James
say james enough and it sounds... jay'mz-y
james and the Giant peach
...

that's all

I HAVE A NEW NEPHEW

2008-11-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited!!! He was born this morning at o-dark-thirty (12:14am)!!!

James Gary. Harray!!!

Huzzah for little Jimmy!!!

wow. i haven't written in a while...

... that's all

Have you, or have you not?

2008-11-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

I have done the things in red.

1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. 18. Grown your own vegetables 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run . 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had your portrait painted 48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theater 55. Been in a movie or on a TV show 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business 58. Taken a martial arts class 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 62. Gone whale watching 63. Got flowers for no reason 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma 65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 71. Eaten Caviar 72. Pieced a quilt. 73. Stood in Times Square 74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle 79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car 83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper 85. Read the entire Bible 86. Visited the White House 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous 92. Joined a book club 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone 99. Been stung by a bee

thanks, Whit, that was fun and kind of enlightening.

the camel faces south

2008-11-13T16:21:00.000-08:00

So, i got a 30 day deferral from the plasma center - yes, i'm a little miffed about it - and decided i'd go take pictures of the fantastic clouds that were happening.

Not bad!

I found myself driving around in the posh neighborhoods, up on the bench. All of those roads lead out into the foothills somewhere.

I found this little guy, put the Jimmy in 4 wheel drive, and grinned all the way out of site of the houses.

I didn't drive to the end of it, though i desperately wanted to - Jimmy was at less than a quarter of a tank. I jumped out, ran down the road a ways, and took some pictures. It was SOOOO SOO windy! Ooh, and all i could hear was the wind rushing through the grass. There wasn't too much sagebrush. This is a very good thing. I hate sagebrush.

so, i got my pictures.

But, as i was walking back to Jimmy, i noticed ... something.

see that dark-ish patch of color in the middle? It was lava rocks (igneous, if you will) they're all over the area, sure. But these little guys were hiding out here, pretty much isolated. (of course, i gather from the incredible force of the wind that dirt and debris and been brought in, and the rocks eroded) blah.

it wasn't that far, was it?

i HAD to take a closer look!

i needed to go play on those rocks!

Heh! it took a solid half hour to walk out there. it was not a flat, easy stroll, either. from where i'm standing in this picture, it goes straight down. it was beautiful! The terrain was so variant, and completely awesome!!

here are a few more shots of what it really looked like when i got there:

I climbed all over those rocks :D

(don't worry, mom, i was completely safe at all times)

see, it's not that far to fall any way.

whoa.

I was as a wild child reared by mountain goats.

and there was NO ONE around! i went up the cliff and down the cliff, in and around the columnar joints...

AND

i found a strange little cave. there were lots of little caves, but this one was quite strange.

do you see the honey-comb-y thing in there?

do bees inhabit this cave? did someone just shove a discarded filter into the hole?

at any rate, i did not stick my hand in there.

i'm crazy, but i'm not stupid. and it was cold and windy - couldn't keep my hair out of my face...

HAHA!! there is a line in the movie Gattaca.

...The two brothers would race each other swimming. i'm thinking it was the ocean, but it's been long enough, i'm not positive. ...any way someone asks the kid how he did something super-duper athletically cardiovascularly awesome. he tells them that he never saved any for the way back.

see, the swimming thing. see, his brother would always beat him or something....

but the kid, he gave it all he had. his heart got stronger, blah, blah, blah - he's a stellar astronaut.

um...

Ever climb up a cliff without giving any thought as to how you're going to get down? Ever hiked a trail without knowing where it goes? Ever bounded off across the hills toward a magical rock place without thinking about how far it would be to walk back?

Jimmy is the spec dead center on the horizon.

HAH!! it actually wasn't that bad. totally worth it.

and there was my little friend, when i got back.

and there was my little city.

And the buttes out to the west.

The camel faces south.

new developments

2008-11-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

i was talking to a friend of mine. she's living with her parents, too. getting restless, too. has a degree in clothing design, too. wants to move to Salt Lake, too.

you see where this is going?

yeah, me too.

stand by for more information

so, i don't write about day to day things

2008-11-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

that would be because i don't do anything. really.
mondays i donate plasma and go to branch FHE
tuesdays i have choralaires rehearsal. sometimes i'm not late.
wednesdays...
thursdays i have choralaires and i donate plasma. sometimes i go to "class" or institute, or just watch movies with my friend, Dawn (we're doing in on wednesday this week!!)
friday... maybe i make sure i'm prepared for sunday lessons... make phone calls...
saturday ... yeah, there again. trying desperately to come up with things to do.
sunday! meetings, church, singing, dinner... loaf. occasional game night.

i have plenty of books to read--i borrowed about 7 from my sister in law about 2 months ago. i have not finished a single one. in my defense, i have picked up two of them, and read significantly.
my bedroom is always in need of being cleaned, i have enough sewing projects to keep me busy for months...
i just don't feel that motivated.

i must be honest with you, i don't feel particularly inspired to be writing, but my last few posts have been far too short and exceptionally lame-ish.

I spent the weekend in Fairfield, Id. My little sister and her husband live out there. They had their primary program and Kiki asked if i would come sing "I am a Child of God" in Chinese. Yipee!!! singing!! chinese!!! YES!!! i'm in, i'm in, i'm in in in innnnnnnnn.
Fairfield is like.... little house on the prairie.
let me enumerate the things to do:
...

i rode Ike's bike around for about a half hour. it took me that long to drive up and down every street, and even head out of town toward Soldier.
Soldier is a township that used to exist.
Don't get me wrong, if you love to hunt, fish, or camp you're living large. Actually, if you don't hunt or fish you have to drive an hour and a half to Jerome for groceries....
i saw the library <shudder>
i happen to know there are computers in there, so i wasn't sure how there was room for books. or computers, actually...

in the picture, where black line 20 and black line 46 make a "t," that's where Fairfield is. Notice the picture represents about 65 square miles, and that Camas county only takes up about half that. if you checked the link, Fairfield is the only city in the county. out of about 900 people living in the county, less than a third of them live in Fairfield. Have a great time, Kiki and Ike!

i am so grateful to live in a town that has a hospital, myriads of grocery stores, a fantastic library--traffic lights! we have restaurants, fast food--we have an historical downtown--law firms, banks, schools (plural), extensive city and county buildings, hotels...

ANd!! we still have the foothills to the east, island park and other wilderness areas to the north and everywhere else--a river runs through it all!!

blessed Idaho Falls! i have no great love for you, but i don't hate you, either. And i'm still moving to Salt Lake just the moment that becomes an option.

2008-11-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

If you love star wars
or a capella
or me...
(or indiana jones, in fact)

thank you, Clancy you lifted a load from my day with laughter
a lot of laughter!

a word about my playlists

2008-11-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

they are by no means comprehensive or even representative. There are artists and genres that just haven't made it in, yet.

In other words, to judge me by the music here, is to miss the mark.

to ever think you know me, if you've known me less than about three years, is to grossly underestimate me.

i'm not feeling well, and i can't sleep. though i'm feeling much better because i'm remembering to take more allergy/sinus medicine every three or so hours
where's the justice in that?

a vicious vortex of fatigue and illness

2008-11-02T00:40:00.000-07:00

i hate it when i stay up too late, and then avoid going to bed because i know that i'm going to have a hard time getting up at a reasonable hour in the proverbial morning.
and i know i'm compounding the problem by not going to bed.
and what's worse is that i know i'm going to stay up late tomorrow as well, because i won't be tired when it's time to be tired.
and it isn't as if i HAVE to get up and go to work or be somewhere...
until Tuesday morning.
and i'm not feeling well, so i'm only making things worse
and i'm STILL avoiding getting to bed!
somebody stop the madness!!

Joanna Newsom The Book of Right-On

2008-10-29T17:21:00.001-07:00

Not all tragic events yield tragic fruits. i don't know what i mean by that.

i like music

2008-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

i am open to new stuff. please recommend music.

Pictures from my camera, from the last few days

2008-10-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what this horse's name was. Maybe Beau. I didn't ask questions, i just got on.

family time on Sunday

FHE, Monday night

why, yes! that is a 2007 Corvette! Yes, the actual owner of the car knew it took us for a ride.

Wednesday required a little change.

wisdom at the table, prepared and served

2008-10-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in a Relief Society Presidency meeting tonight, absorbed in thoughts for my RS sisters. To my right was our pres. Returned missionary and all the good things that implies, has a bachelors degree, 24 years old and getting married at the end of this month.
To my left was our secretary. She's 18 and quiet as a mouse, but i saw her show a high-spirited 16-hand horse who's boss. This was after the horse threw her once.
Across from me was our 2nd counselor. She's 22, a publicity major, sincere ambition and a beautiful heart.
I realized that i was the only at the table that was not overwhelmed, and didn't feel completely clueless. I know Relief Society. The beauty of it, the struggles, the miracles, and the necessary structure. I've been a teacher in the Relief Society, and a teacher improvement teacher. I have been responsible for coordination music, and leading.
what made this all really strike, and take on great meaning was when my sweet little horse trainer told me that she's so glad i didn't marry him, because she wouldn't have met me otherwise.
And now i sit here absorbing the great compliment in her sentiment. also, the great clue from above.
i was so needed at that table, tonight. I have a lot of experience, wisdom, love, etc. to offer. Really, young sisters who have only ever understood Relief Society as it functions in a family ward are missing out on the universal nature--the brilliance and beauty--of this great organization. It isn't just that i've been in student wards for the last 3 years (and a singles branch before that) it is the wards and stake that i've been in. It's the leaders i've had and the leadership opportunities i've had because they understood their leadership. If i were married, i'd be a newly wed in a family ward--if i had a calling at all, it'd probably be in the primary, and i'd be losing my mind. (actually, it'd be in the Young Womens and the other leaders would be losing their minds) BUT
i see how much more i'm needed here. now, in the lives of these sisters.
and i count it a HUGe blessing (and mild annoyance) that there aren't really any "feasible dating options"
i have sisters to love, a great service to do, and amazing people to work with.
life is hard, but we can do hard things.
i was born to do impossible things.

i have temporarily rearranged my blog

2008-10-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

for the sake of music.

and sharing it.

:)

introspection -i swear i knew it all along

2008-10-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

i actually just spelled sware wrong.

So, when life takes a tumble down a rough slope, your perspective is pretty much shot to-

well, i'm trying to keep my blog free of profanities...

at times like these it is positively sublime to have a friend in precisely the same position. Even more so when she calls you at exactly the moment you need her the most. Thanks, Heid's for telling me what i so badly needed to hear:

This period in my life is just a season. a healing season. living with my family and working is temporary, but a necessary time for healing and growth.
my fear was that i am stuck here, making life-sentence career and life choices.
not so
i've been critically over-concerned that by "coming back" to my hometown, i've forfeited opportunities to live other places with other people doing other exciting things i've always wanted to do.
this simply isn't true.

i am growing and learning--and healing ... somehow one crisis moment tends to unleash all of your life's traumatic moments...
most especially, and this one is very slippery to me, others are learning and benefiting from my being here.
I am a strong, capable, charismatic woman. I should have greater faith in myself to do whatever it is i choose to do. others do look to my example, and feel the love of their Savior through my intense joy in and love of His work.

and the time will come for me to move on to whatever is next--my Father in heaven is perfectly aware of my sense of adventure and my restless nature, and he has already put things in the works for me.
but until then, let go of worry and dive in with joy to the work before me.

I have perfect faith in me, in whatever i do.

For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won.

2008-10-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

--Lucille Maud Montgomery

my matti bought this... shirt thing...
well, i bought one, too, so i'm not going to describe it.
In fact, it's pictured here

i found it on clearance for $3! admittedly, i had pined matti's, and every time i saw it on the rack, finally! i have one too!!

yay!!

And then, i was cleaning my room (this also translates as unpacking), and i found my beads!! three strands of green-toned beads. i bought last march
because i like them
i put them on and had this instant and overwhelming desire to wear my towel-shirt-thing. the three strands of beads were a little overwhelming, so i wrapped one of them around my wrist.
it was a challenge to get it around one last time.

and i looked absolutely fabulous.

but then i realized that we were going to go to a spook alley for FHE, and that i would probably end up wearing my double hoodie over it. yeah, six inches of terry flounce sticking out from under hoodie-age. classy. this could mean only one thing.
a change of attire.

just one little hang-up

i can't get the beads off

i do NOT understand life

2008-10-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

or love

or pain

... that's all

moments in life

2008-10-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

i have phenomenal hair.

maybe i should qualify that for the current arguement: i have out-of-this-world bed head!

seriously!

that hair defies laws of gravity...

physics...

traffic!

my hair could literally be pulled over for causing traffic jams and fender-benders.

people might even start putting their heads out the window to get this hair.

Sorry, folks. this is a wondersome coalescence of genetics, hair product, timing to perfection of showers and bedtime, carefully haphazard hairstyle, and the perfect sheets with the ideal thread count, twill weave and dye method.

This is one of those refining moments.

I have immutably unique hair.

and with those eyes... !

a mi, c'est perfect. c'est le goddess.

c'est i don't speak french...

back on point: this image is undeniably, singularily

striking.

if i do say so myself.

i want one

2008-10-16T12:56:00.001-07:00

may i keep her?

i have two orange blankets

2008-10-14T20:16:00.001-07:00

and my mother will be crowned tomorrow.

I stand corrected.

2008-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

a few people read my blog.

Sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can't move

Awake but cannot open my eyes

And the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breath

And hope someone will save me this time

Your mother's still calling you insane and high

Swearing it's different this time

And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her

That god never blessed her insides

Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things

Crawl back into bed to dream of a time

When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because

Like the sick and the dying

And sometimes when you're on you're really f***ing on

And your friends they sing along and they love you

But the lows are so extreme that the good seems f***ing cheap

And it teases you for weeks in its absense

But you'll fight and you'll make it through

and you'll fake it if you have to

And you'll show up for work with a smile

You'll be be better and you'll be smarter

More grown up and a better daughter

Or son and a real good friend

You'll be awake and you'll be alert

You'll be positive though it hurts

And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends

You'll be a real good listener

You'll be honest you'll be brave

You'll be handsome you'll be beautiful

You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in

You're weak but not giving in

To the cries and the wails of the valley below

Your ship may be coming in

You're weak but not giving in

And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them...

Rilo Kiley "better son or daughter"

If you can like that song in the good times and the bad

when you're on top of the world, or at the very bottom

of a bottomless pit,

Then you understand.

What is so wrong with what i want?

And what is the purpose of dreams

if they were never meant to happen?

on a less depressive note:

I happen to know that i'm the only one who reads my blog

2008-10-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

and i feel a little hateful, right now.

i hate bed time. I lay awake crying, wishing i would just--ready set--fall asleep. i also think about a certain someone and the overwhelming certainty that i will never be rid of the haunt in my head. eventually i realize that i have nothing to offer the world, that i have no friends within 10 miles (unless you count those ones that have families, fiances, and lives and incidently forget you exist). mmm, make that 300 miles.

i hate sundays. it is filled with a wretched epectation to have a great, spiritual day or else, but you better not expect anyone to be a part of that or to even want to spend time with you.

hate, hate, hate.

so there.

a purge, a transition, another beginning

2008-10-08T12:21:00.000-07:00

i hate packing. i'm not the most effective at it, and i am inexorably inefficient about unpacking. it generally takes me months for the latter. usually because i did the former in a matter of hours.

I've been home for... almost 4 months. I still have as many full boxes in the garage as when i first came back. Not completely my fault!
Over the last few years, my bedroom has become somewhat of an "organic" storage room. my parentals have a storage room where they keep food storage, holiday deco, etc.
but if they had a box of grandkid stuff, or maybe books... cleaned out a closet in an upstairs bedroom... a mattress...
THAT found its way to my room.

not to mention everything which i haven't thrown away over the years. Pack rat is in my RNA (i refuse to believe it's in my DNA). good thing that i believe we can change our DNA (so RNA is cake).

purge. I have thrown away so much in the last 4 months. take that on faith when you consider on the stash that remains in the garage.
i found a broken stereo, VCR, and various other electronics which someone ambitiously planned to fix. yeah right!! first things to go!

there were many more things, and
boxes of things that i had just felt the need to hold onto...
gone
kept the boxes, though
my little sister took my book shelf, sturdy boxes are a handy substitute.

yesterday i unearthed two ends of the spectrum: stuff from HS--poetry, writingschtuff--and recent notes and spirtual-scholarly articles from BYU classes and church-calling-trappings. (a nice aside: i burned my HS journal. it really was not worth reading. having said that...)
hs, notes, printed articles--anything you can find in a book or online--took the dive into the garbage bag.

this process leaves my teeny room in a state of universal disaster. if i want to sleep in my bed that same night, i have to clean up and re-org mid-purge (like that happens)(HAH!!)
when i had a bigger room, i just tossed it all on the floor. now i use my bed because i do NOT HAVE floor space. it's a queen bed.

There's this idea that someday i will permanently move out of my parents house. I'm not leaving anything, and i am certainly not taking any boxes filled with things not important enough to even open the box. I'm not going to carry around baggage for the rest of my life!!

I WON'T DO IT!!!

so. it's been an interesting journey. i can't just pick up a notebook and throw it away. however, something inside me becomes capable of throwing it away (pack rat RNA, remember) if i thumb through it, first.

THere is something else i've got to share. not that i didn't know this already, but - I am one smart cookie! REally! reading through papers and essays and what-came-to-me-when-i-was supposed-to-be-taking-notes*... brilliant!!

(yeah. i'm that, uh, 'confident.')
so there...

*which is actually more important that taking notes

Ranch

2008-10-08T12:00:00.001-07:00

yeah, lately i've been putting it all over everything! i never even used to even like it.

...ok, let me revise that statement. I put it all over everything but rabbit food. i didn't like it at all. until college. College student food somehow requires ranch.

A few years ago, at BYU-I, my little sister and i lived in a house together with about 9 other girls. Yeah, if the bathroom door handle would have worked, i could completely forget any other complaints i had about that sitch. the POINT

Kiki and i ate mozzarella sticks everyday for lunch... or second lunch... or basically every meal. i never would have even thought to put ranch on anything before that point but, because Kiki ate them with ranch, i started my tentative but steady relationship with that Hidden Valley wonder.

I started using ranch instead of mayo (or miracle whip, which is what i grew up on). i use it instead of sour cream--anything that must be nuked must have ranch

that being said, i almost never use the microwave.

also

my to-this-moment unspoken fixation with ranch pales in the palest way to my deep, deep devotion to cheese. Particularly cream cheese.

but that is a topic for another day

maybe even for an essay...

we'll see

oooh baby

2008-09-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

I generally take Jimmy around whenever i require means of transportation.

Tonight, however, i took the 'Burban.

I knew i loved those beasts!! lovelovelove

compare:

Jimmy: (as in a GMC)

bumpy ride

squeaky, clackity, rickety-rackity

no lumbar support

awkward seat position (for me)

NO way to be comfortable in those seats

sticky steering

decent junk space

still only seats 5

Burban: (also a GMC)

smooth, beauty ride

electical system hums a little

lumbar support

very natural driver position and seat shape--for me

easy, intuitive handling

plently of room to haul friends

or belongings

or both.

confession--i've always loved suburbans. i think i might live in one, someday. Many people find it hard to steer them, especially backing up-

not me. i find the suspension and turning radius very intuitive, like i don't even have to look when i'm backing. even into small spaces. like the ghetto booty i never had...

oh how i love suburbans! you sit up high, so you can see for miles, and over the tops of the stubby sedans and compacts in your way. Your V-8 roar intimidates even the flashy SUV's and no one dares remain in your way. *sigh* you uber-consume fuel but your towing and hauling capabilities cry out that you're worth every barrell. The sweet, sweet details of your interior suggest you were made to be in it for the long haul, and even the over-nighter.

alas! i miss bench seats

I know the feeling

2008-09-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

I think there's a difference between "spontaneity" and my leaving town on a whim.

I was curled up in the reclined driver's seat out in front of my aunt's house at midnight having this thought when Spaz called.

I left Thursday night at 7 to go see my friend, Spaz, in Boise.
four and a half hours later, i was getting directions from him to get to his cousin's house when his phone died!! Yeah, at that moment the beauty and convenience of cell phones didn't command much magnitude for me.

AND! usually when your phone is off and someone calls, it goes straight--straight--to voice mail. His phone didn't. It rang and rang until his voice mail picked up, so i was worried (admittedly more about myself). I drove back out to the road i'd turned onto--just in case it was a spotty reception kind of thing--no dice.
Tried a text--nothing.
so i went through my contacts to find someone who also knew Spaz, and his number. BEX!! A dear dear, sweet mutual friend.
I woke her up-it was after 11--but i was in the middle of nowhere Kuna Idaho, and i needed to find my Spaz!
Bex couldn't get to him, either
CRAP!!
ok, so ... i could turn around and drive back to IF
:P
or... i could call my aunt--at mid-freaking-night--and see if i could stay there, try Spaz again in the morning.
eh.
or i could sit where i was ... and wait. ... for something.

i called my aunt.
If you think she answered you're probably addicted to fairy tales, which i no longer believe in (however, like a schlamiel, i still get suckered).

I drove to her house, and tapped on the door lightly.
don't hold your breathe--no one answered (her daughter, my cousin, lives there, too. my cousin has a baby, and i was hoping for the possibility that she could possibly, at that moment, be up with little Michael...
NOPE
so i set my phone alarm and settled into the idea of getting a few hours of sleep and then see what happens. Sleep tends to straighten out the mind a little, then i might decide to stay the whole night parked on Maverick, visit the relats, see if Spaz finds me...
or just go home...

cue my cell phone--an unknown ID number
YAY!!
"AMY!!!"
ensuing drama and the telling thereof. funny enough, he called Bex as well, to get my number (more complicated than that....)

2AM!! we giggled around his cousins house, went to Denny's and giggled while we ate nasty midnight food, and then went back to cousins house and giggled while we watched youtube videos

then i fell asleep--fun could ensue in the morning. after sleep. mmm sleep.

I'm the Luckiest kid in the world to have a friend like Spaz.

Letting go

2008-09-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

I have skinny wrists....

I like to watch movies.

I'm rather an atypical person. I was recently, well, recently-ish dumped by my fiance. *aside: i used to be uncomfortable with 'boyfriend/girlfriend' i think i'm going to add 'fiance' to that as well... for a little while...* i haven't been angry about it. mostly i've been extremely hurt, very depressed, and in a state of denial.
Here, about three months later, for reasons i don't feel like explaining, i was ready to be angry. That past very quickly, as it usually does--i'm not big on being angry. And now i feel VERY ready to just let go. Leave the drama behind, eradicate physical evidence, and flush memories to make room for moving on and laughing a LOT.
i feel great.

I don't believe in self esteem

2008-09-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

I think it's a concept that is misleading and self-defeating. Definitely a mis-nomer. To take a step back and guage how one esteems oneself can be something of a waste of time--especially if that someone suffers from "low self esteem." Here! take a moment to discern how you feel about yourself!! Or, if someone definitely does not have a problem thinking well of themselves, here--enjoy a moment taking pleasure in deciding how much you realy like yourself.

You may be catching my point. Maybe not...

Self-worth is not judged reflectively by an individual--it is INHERANT. and it is great beyond human comprehension. Nobody needs to spend a single errant moment guaging it because it is fixed. It's more like, LOOK! You are amazing! Go let your inner light prove that to you!!

Instead of high or low self esteem, it's about doubting or not doubting your own self worth. Realizing or being unaware of your inherant stellarness.

Does this mean you ignore the topic alltogether? NO. Self worth should not be viewed as an assessment, but instead as a fact, a constant; entirely based on our relationship with Jesus Christ. Actually His with us.

really, self shouldn't be studied subjectively. Developing a positive self concept has a great deal to do with forgetting yourself--becoming so very involved in something... something not illegal or self-destructive--that you aren't aware of yourself.

Its a balance every individual has to find ("unbalanced" has much more meaning...)

also
I don't think social awkwardness has anything to do with self concept--they tend to hook up and walk hand in hand, but not because they come together.

aaaaaaaand
I'm tired

A day in the life of Amy--its all gonna change

2008-09-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

I was awakened this "morning," at about 11:45, by a phone call from my ward clerk. I didn't answer it--i didn't have a good enough signal.
I called him back. as soon as i got upstairs.

it was noon, i had an interview with the Pres. at 12:30, and meetings start at 1. I'm not gonna lie--i didn't rush. wasn't worried in the least. (this has a lot to do with the fact that i don't really care what i look like, and we don't actually start Sacrament meeting until 10 after the hour. Waiting for as many people as possible. 8:30 AM and 1PM meetings are pretty much the same as far as getting people there...)

A calling in the RS pres. was extended to me--which i knew was coming--and i was REALLY excited to accept it.
I was sustained and set apart during the block.

I have something to do now!!!

i'm speaking and teaching next sunday, and i get to start visiting and 'bonding' with my sistahs this week. YAY!!! FRIENDS!!

i'm thinking about going out and putting some real effort into getting a job, this week, too. we'll see. I really like that trampoline...

"We live in a culture that believes worth is inherant, yet still measure worth based on some kind of percieved success."

2008-09-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

(The following conversation is real. The names have been changed, and the dialogue has been edited for clarity. Jared does not hear Jon, but Ava and Jon can hear all) Truth

Jared: That quote is funny and ironic
Ava: yes. fortunately, i'm not swept away by molding culture
don't get me wrong--the church is perfect. the people...... create moldy culturized versions of perceived perfection
Jared: my curiosity is enticed by silly messed up culture
Ava: explain
Jared: I love culture... in general I just think it's the most interesting thing. even the messed up stuff
Ava: i don't disagree with you
Jared: cause "messed up" is just a perception of opionion.
Ava: ahh, but how do you bring culture and truth together, if you believe truth is eternal--or does culture develop outside of truth?
Jared: truth is eternal. but there is not such a thing as perfect culture. it's like saying that there is a best meal for everyone.
Ava: yeah, so any culture is a deviation from truth
yes no?
Jared: I don't know if I understand. I don't see culture as ever equalling truth. culture is shared opionions.
Ava: i guess it would come down to a definition of truth
here, again--don't get me wrong, i LOVE cultural differences
Jared: truth is things at they actually are
Ava: so... does it change over time?
Jared: truth can't change unless the facts change. such as your age. right?
Ava: so, truth and fact are not synonymous?
Jared: they are the same to me
Ava: that or age is not fact--just birth-date...
if facts can cahnge and truth does not.... they are clearly not the same....
Jared: truth can change, but only in the way that facts change. The turth is today is tuesday, but tomorrow it wont be
Ava: ah, but is that truth, or just a cultural label? in china its the second day of the week, not tuesday.
Jared: I get what you are going at, but truth can be created.
Ava: then it isn't eternal
Jared: I guess some things that are true aren't and some things arent. like how the meanings of words change. what do you think?
do you think there needs to be another word for it? maybe it's too ambigiuos because there are unchangable truths like laws of physics
Ava: laws of physics, though--describe observations so consistant and universal, they're called truth because they don't change
Jon: Interesting conversation.
Still, physics changes as our understanding changes.
I agree with you that culture is simply our understanding of basic truths that never change. Our understanding of the principle might change, but the underlying truth is eternal.
The days of the week thing....

Jared: well truth is only a word with the perception which you associate it. Words are only there to describe.
Ava: as culture and society change so do the meanings we assign to the systems within them. such as words.
Jared: so truth for you are the things that dont change, and truth to me is things as they really are.
Ava: Truth to me is things as they are, were, and ever will be.

2008-09-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

I was recently sent on assignment to figure out what i want my life to be.

It isn't really that i have no idea so much as there are so many possibilities! But i also believe that happiness is a choice, so... does it really matter what my life is, so long as i have the freedom to choose and change it as i please...?

actually, i would put one stipulation into that--that every night when i go to sleep, or every morning when i wake up, i have a husband--whom i adore and adores me back--with me.

not that i need a husband to be happy, but that thats what i want my life to be. I find it so much more fulfilling to serve someone, to sacrifice for someone... and lets face it--as much as i love you, Matti--a roommate doesn't really cut it.
...

For those who don't work, it's just another weekend

2008-09-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

The dates being what they were (yes, indeed, i could vague that up), my family decided tog o camping for labor day weekend. Cave Falls campgroup--and the actual falls--are just inside the Yellowstone park borders in the very southwest corner. In the very small chunck of Yellowstone that's actually in Idaho. I love camping, and the falls...

I REALLY miss camping in a tent! my bed made into the table, so when i felt a little tired, a little nappy, i couldn't just go to my tent and lay down for a while. couldn't go lay down at all!

i'm not bitter. campers have heaters--i am grateful for that.

i also miss Firefox. It has a built-in spellcheck.

I had intended to take more pitures... i didn't, but i took a video of Old Not-so-Faithful.

I have an inordinant lack of enthusiasm for the geysers. living in SE idaho, and being an outdoor lot, my family has gone to Yellowstone park at least once a year for most of my life--sometimes twice. I have seen the park and its "most captivating" geysers easily 40 times or so... and i get bored pretty quickly. And with all the theories and crazy environmentalist vigilantes, spending time in the park just isn't quite as fun to me... unless i have an audience to get laughing! :) That also gets me yelled at by those environ-antes. You can tell that my feelings are really hurt and i've changle my ways... HAH!!!

Old dog, new tricks... same tricks?

2008-08-25T16:17:00.000-07:00

This is the best shot of the twist, but... the camera turns...
enjoy

this... is just funny

Just because you're whole doesn't mean you can't still be added onto

2008-08-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

so, I've learned some things, these last couple of weeks (other than flips) ...

I loved living in Provo--because i chose to. Before that decision, i hated it. Sounds kind of... vulcan. no emotions... actually, love and hate...
anyway, i've known a lot of people who hate where they live--i've been one of them!

before i moved to Provo, i lived in Rexburg--i didn't like it. but there was no way you were going to get me in an apt. in Provo. after i got there, and decided that i don't need to let others' opinion influence my own thus loving it, i was most decidedly never moving home again. as in live with or near my parents.

and now here i am at parents house. this is actually the house i grew up in, though it has undergone many changes. [tangent: internent explorer doesn't have spell check like Firefox, and i maintain that having studied more than one foreign language i am perfectly justified in not being able to spell anymore]

when we sing the hymn, "i'll go where you want me to go" and we sing about mountains and plains and seas, and thorny paths.... it's usually much less dramatic than that. Sometimes it's moving back in with your parents because you have a work to do amongst the members of your family. Sometimes it's going to visit someone you don't really like but have exactly what the Lord wants to give them--in words, or love, or empathy... or jokes. sometimes it is to NOT go trek over mountains and plains and other amazing locales on this world, rather to establish yourself in one place, put your efforts and talents into creating the sacred space Home and Family.

Here again, i'm blogging in the late-night hours...

"You have a work that no other can do." Like that starfish story--each and every person is precious to the Lord, and whatever you do to lift and succor and strengthen is huge, a very important part of The Plan.

Old dog, new tricks

2008-08-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

i have some better videos...
I'll postm later...

Shades of Vague

2008-08-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

i've always liked to hide.
to be unknown, but not necessarily unseen...
deliberately difficult and vague to a hideous fault.

want to know why?

right like i'd stop doing and being that now!
actually i'd like to.

i've been described as transparent--in a good way, what you see is what you get. But i've also been described as prickly and difficult to get to know.
at the moment, those don't seem mutually exclusive...

who hasn't, at some point been trapped in an older sibling's or parent's shadow? who hasn't had a difficult highschool experience?
so why am i so defensive, and evasive? Why do i always feel like i'm inferior and under attack? why do i feel so impelled to detach and avoid?
well, there are some reasons... but not enough.

are all people as inconsistent as i am? and i mean to the degree that you cannot predict how i'll react from situation to the next... or can you?

here's a great one for the uber-thinkers: what is the balance of not being pensive enough to not be shallow and flakey, but impulsive enough to embrace life?
blah!

What do you do when you can't sleep?

2008-08-22T04:43:00.000-07:00

you take pictures!

admittedly there are several more like them... i tried to remember how to do rollover images... alas!

the problem is ... i take medication to help me sleep--Boy! does it ever fog my brain! Which is wonderful at night when you need a little fog to slow your little mind down, and fade the latent worry.
By prescription only, sorry.
BUT!!! every once in a while, my poor little mind and body refuse to succomb to the excellence of chemical-induced rest--which is basically the generic version of genuine rest.
In times and sans chemicals past, i've found that writing helps. Enter Great Irony: my brain is too foggy to cohere anything (see what i mean?!?). and i still can't sleep, either.
Nice. (matti, i want you to visualize that in ASL)
once, i basically laid in my bed and blinked for about 8 hours. Sounds really aggravating? Naw, my brain was WAY too fog-bound to figure that out.

a good idea would be to write a lot during the day--in addition to the trampoling and such that i do to prove to myself that i can. However, i am in a very stupifying and sweetly doleful depression, and all i want to do is watch Bones. If we owned "scrubs" i think i'd watch it, too.
uber frustrating!

Everyone needs a creative outlet

2008-08-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

I made a move that our culture would demand that i lose value- or worth-points in so doing. I moved back in with my parents!

I love it! See, my parents are cool like that. And retired. Around here, we do what we want. The clincher--we don't want to sit around watching T.V. all day.

well, isn't that a novel idea. Just because someone doesn't have a job, doesn't mean they don't have anything to do! Eventually i will need to generate income, but isn't it just something else, that i'm single, educated, jobless, and still have great value as a member of my family, many communities, and let's don't forget my friends.

What do you want?
Me, i want peace. I want to stop fretting about worth.
I want to be acted upon by a rich aunt.
I want to love people. I want to see the light in their eyes.
I want to bring positive things to my situations and relationships.
BLah!!

Here's another interesting question--does it matter what we want? Meaning and purpose are generally found in action verbs and agency. I think i'm going to insert the adjective "wholesome" in there, though there are psychos who found meaning in serial killing, and stalking...
in that case, i add to my statement "action verbs and agency, for the benefit of the community"

maybe i shouldn't blog when i can't sleep...

if a person has the influence to turn you and everything you think upside down, is that person significant?