26 August 2010

One night at dinner, I don't remember the conversation (wait, now I do...), my mom made the comment, "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die." Orgininally from Lord Alfred Tennyson's "The Charge of Light Brigade" and quoted thus: "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do & die," it was again coined by one of the latter-day Presidents of the church (i don't remember which, but it is on a wall in a hallway in the Taylor Building on the BYU-I campus) (I could be wrong... in which case I could rewrite this post in the theme of using misleading quotes in order to not have to think for yourself...)

On occasion, we have leaders who ask us to do something we don't want to do: we don't see the wisdom in it, often we think we are above the task and feel a little "what's in it for me" about it. Maybe we think our leader is selfish and doesn't know what's going on.

As Children of God, there is a lot we don't understand. That whole veil thing... and then that line upon line principle. As we learn to obey, we grow in light and knowledge (part of that obey thing is to read your scriptures: become a disciple-scholar, and student of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, learn of Him and listen to his words, walk in the meekness of His light...). Check my "math" in Doc. & Cov. 93 and Matt. 11. Incidentally, as we disobey, we lose light and knowledge.

Recap:: obey:get brighter/smarter; disobey: get dimmer/dumber.

In the church, we have the great benefit of having inspired leaders who are called of God--through other leaders who are also called of God. Cool. Careful though, power is maintained by persuasion, long-suffering, kindness, meekness. A person may be right, but no one will follow an arrogent bossy-cow. (Sherri Dew once said, "no one wants to be led by a liar." Think about that!) Also, just because your Steward asks you to do something, you shouldn't blindly do it. Brigham Young once said that he was worried that the saints would blindly follow their leaders without gaining a knowledge, assurance, and testimony that what was asked of them truly came from God (on a personal note: often, when given an invitation to act from the First Presidency I feel the assurance of the Spirit, which is confirmed and strengthened as I act on the invitation)(faith without works is dead).

Question what is asked of you, and then do it. You are becoming an engaging, enlightened leader who can also be improved upon. You are becoming a righteous agent of change. You are becoming an heir of God, a benevolent God, yourself.
Frightening when I think of some of the young men and women in the ward... They'll learn and grow.
... or they'll disobey and lose light and knowledge, privileges and blessings.

So, what about that boss you hate who is making less than wise business decisions, that Sunday School president who asked you to attend a class you don't want to go to?

Good Heavens! I'm not your mom, or your conscience! Learn to communicate--express your feelings appropriately and non-defensively! Make your own decisions! But be aware that as you act disobediantly and selfishly you lose light, knowledge, blessings, access to the source of all truth and love, and His Atonement.

Ours is to question why. Questions, but never doubts (Elder Holzapfel, Elder Busche). And sometimes, ours is to do and die.

(Incidentally, "The Charge of the Light Brigade" is about what turned out to be a suicide mission. Those in command made bad decision, but instead of fighting about it, or turn coward and run, the Light Brigade charged, as they were told.
But I believe that those men who died, died valiantly, fighting for a good cause they believed in.)

24 August 2010

Confront me if I don't ask for Help

Many years ago, just before my little sister and I were roommates, we had this friend. She stayed with my family on occasion, and most definetely became "one of us" (there is a great "you spit in my face" story connected with her, but I'll save it for another time).

She and my little sister were roommates in Rexburg. During that time she--the friend, who will remain nameless--was a supervisor on an early morning custodial shift. I don't remember how exactly it happened, but she broke her arm (everytime I go to type "broke her arm" in my many renderings of this post, I type "broker her arm." In fact, I just typed "typer" instead of just "type"). She's quite the independant girl, and continued at work with her usual assigning to herself of the toughest jobs. Ridiculous--she barely managed and usually her crew would finish their jobs early and then come help her. That being the case, someone (this was long enough ago that I can't remember if it was a roommate or a co-worker) made her a sign to wear around her neck:
"Confront me if I don't ask for help"
It was written in crayon. :)

We all struggle. We all find ourselves, occasionally, in need of help. Some more often than others. :)
Quite often, in these moments of our direst need, we get a phone call, a text, even a knock on the door. Our uttered or un-uttered prayer of lonliness, longing, or heartache is heard. At the instance we need it the most, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother or Friend turns up filled with loving encouragement. Strength and endurance restored, we face the challenges of life anew, knowing we are not alone, but in fact loved and capable.

Other times, aid comes in the form of a comforting feeling, a rush of knowledge, a reassurance that you are not alone. You are capable, you are strong, you are divine.
Actually, I find this to be a progression. As you come to really understand who you are as a Child of God, your place in His plan of Happiness, and especially your ability to act as an independant and capable agent of divine worth, you move from one "aid plan" to the next.

You may even find it your privilege to call or visit a friend or family member who is silently calling out. You may find yourself living your life in such a way that anyone you come into contact with feels better about the world and their place in it, just for knowing you.

Progression is eternal, I've noticed. I've also noticed in my own life that the next plan just might be this: I know when I'm struggling. I'm very aware of those moments when I just don't want to do this frustrating thing anymore. I know I'm not alone. I know I am a strong, capable, divine daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I know that I have the gift of agency, and the power to use it for my good and the good of others, or to be selfishly negligent: "I deserve for someone to help me." "I've earned the right to not have to work quite so hard, just this time."
I can ask for help. And I can do it without being a burden or taking advantage. Because we are all in this together. Millions of people don't live on the same planet so that we can reject and isolate ourselves or each other.
Confront me if I don't ask for help.

Is there anything I can do for you today?

19 April 2009

sometimes, its better to not know

bacause your imagination is always better.

17 March 2009

top 'o th' mornin to ya!

HOlY moLEY! It's march!

07 January 2009

well, I'm obsessive...

I've watched The Dark Knight 4 times in the last 4 days. I'm obsessed with the Joker. ...more so with Heath Leger (sp?) 's interp.

::i've been extremely pensive... i could hit you all very hard with it, or i could give you the train of thought::

(random thought: it took me 11 years to get over someone)
(that has a quite unfortunate blow quality to it)

is heath leger (or however you want to complicate that wording)

heath leger
is a method actor

a method actor
is one who does not drop "character" until the "gig" is done.
-------------there are rumors, if you will, that heath's method-ness is a part of the reason he cracked and done himself in.

I like to be everyone
i actually develop new characters every day

Leave the bright blue door on the white-washed floor.
Leave the death ledger under city hall.
Leave the joyful air in that rubber ball today.

Just leave the lilac print on the linen sheet.
Leave the bird you killed at your father's feet.
Let the sideways rain in the crooked street remain.

Leave whimpering dog in his cold kennel.
Leave the dead starlet on her pedestal.
Leave the acid kids in their green fishbowls today.

Leave the sad guitar in its hard-shell case.
Leave the worried look on your lover's face.
Let the orange embers in the fireplace remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
The train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs.
Everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.

Leave the ocean's roar in the turquoise shell.
Leave the widower in his private hell.
Leave the liberty in that broken bell today.

Leave the epic poem on its yellowed page.
Leave the grey macaw in his covered cage.
Let the traveling band on the interstate remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
Sound-stage in California, televisions in Times Square.
Everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.
Yeah I know that now that's why I'm staying here.

Leave the secret talk on the trundle bed.
Leave the garden tools in the rusted shed.
Leave those bad ideas in your troubled head today.

Leave the restless ghost in his old hotel.
Leave the homeless man in his cardboard cell.
Let the painted horse on the carousel remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
Just like the gold around your finger and the silver in his hair.
Yeah, everything must belong somewhere.I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.
I know that now, that's why I'm staying here.

In truth, the forest hears each sound
Each blade of grass as it lies down.
The world requires no audience.
no witnesses, no witnesses.

Leave the old town drunk on his wooden stool.
Leave the autumn leaves in the swimming pool.
Leave the poor black child in his crumbling school today.

Leave novelist in his daydream tune.
Leave the scientist in her rubik's cube.
Let true genius in the padded room remain.

Leave horses hair on the slanted bow.
Leave the slot machines on the riverboat.
Leave the cauliflower in the casserole today.

Leave the hot bright trash in their shopping malls.
Leave the hawks of war in their capitals.
Let the organs moan in the cathedral remain.

Cause everything must belong somewhere.
They locked the devil in the basement, God up into the air.
Yeah, everything must belong somewhere.You know it's true, I wish you'd leave me here.
Yeah, You know it's true, why don't you leave me here?
-bright eyes, "i must belong somewhere"

02 January 2009

I know who i am

and what i want to do.

26 December 2008

South Eastern Idaho Snow Angel Festival

or something.

My mom's mom was diagnosed with Leukemia in March of 2002. The doctor gave her 6 months to live.
He clearly did not know my Grandma. There is something to be said about denial.
(In fact my neighbor, who has been a very close friend to my family since before i was born, was diagnosed with cancer and given 6 months to live. About 7 years later, he'd finally had enough)

I got my mission call in May. Taiwan, Tai Zhong.
On my birthday in June, i was returning a book to a neighbor when they invited me to go with them across the country to see the Nauvoo temple--and 8 others. Why not!?
I don't think i saw Grandma out of the hospital that whole summer. but,boy! did we laugh a lot reminiscing with her!
My mom told us we needed to pay attention to her button-pushing for medication, because we would have to do that for her someday... my sister's reply was, "No, mom, we're going to have to climb the mountain and find the pieces of you, when you go!" That's my MOM!!
I will be surprised if i go any differently

I entered the MTC on September 18th. the night before, i was set apart and my fam--including my Grams and my Uncle Dan, and several cousins-- we were settling down, and finishing the night at my parentals casa. As i talked to my Grandma, i knew it would be the last time i would see her in this world. It seems so much sadder now. I realize that she also knew it would be the last time she would see me. I love my Grandma. She's the only grandparent i've ever known, and life truly does seem a little emptier without her.
Every Christmas Eve we went to her house for Christmas dinner, and games and to open some presents. She always put her tree on her living room table, where her lamp usually was. I always loved the angel she put on top.
When my cousin got married, in November, they sent me pictures. Grandma was stunning in blue. :)
In January, I got a call from my Mission President letting me know Grandma kicked it. She was on terminal patient pain killers, and was hilarious to the last! A little off her rocker, but funny!
Best of all, HAH! ...we've been estranged from my grandpa for years. He was wretched to my mom growing up, unfaithful to my Grandmother, and forced my aunt into a less-than-healthy marriage so that he could finally walk away. ...HAH!! My mom was sitting with my Grandma--she had moved in, to take care until the last moment--holding her hand and talking her through the end of her bitterness for her ex-husband. Ironically, it was his birthday! Jan 11. Mom told her, "today is his birthday, if you really want to get back at him for good, you could go today." HAH!!!! (i have a rather morbid sense of humor...) And she did!!
"like which fury, hell hath no" ?
I came home in April.
i really don't like funerals, i haven't been to one in a very long time, so it all worked out just fine. My MTC roomies and i had sung "the lord is my Shepherd" on a tape and i sent it home. they played it at her graveside service. so i was there. kind of.
Every Christmas that i've been in IF we've gone out to where she's buried in Shelley, and give her snow angels!
my Aunt thinks it's obscene, but i think Grandma likes it.
I love my Grandma.